Project 46 – Signs, Struggles, and the Science of Happiness

The Breadcrumb Chronicles: Clue, Tools & Tales for Living a Good, Queer Life

One night, I found myself wandering the psychology and self-help aisles of a two-story Barnes & Noble. I was 45 at the time, in a season of depression, skimming book titles that might tell me how to not be depressed, how to be happy again.

As a therapist, professor, and researcher in positive psychology—the science of happiness—you’d think I’d have had this all figured out. But I was stuck. Unemployed, living back with my mom, single, and feeling like Kristen Wiig’s character Annie in Bridesmaids—a bit of a mess.

Then, tucked inside an issue of The Economist, I read something that changed me. The article claimed that happiness tends to rise as we age, with the turning point around 46. I was 45. A month away from my supposed “happiness rebound.”

I decided to take it as a sign.

And that’s how Project 46 began—my year-long experiment to rediscover happiness.

Three Intentions for Happiness

For this “project year,” I set three intentions:

1. Love in life – not just romantic love but also friendship and community.

2. Peace with God – finding a way to reconcile my faith and my identity.

3. Work I enjoy – a job that felt meaningful, especially after losing my place in higher ed.

   
   

Underneath all of it, I just wanted to believe life could get better again.

Serendipitous Signs

I started looking for signs, little breadcrumbs of hope.

The first was that Economist article.

The second came while I stood in a long line at Kmart, frustrated and impatient—until I noticed the elderly cashier. She must have been in her 80s, moving slowly, but with such warmth, looking each customer in the eye as if they mattered deeply. Her name was Ruth.

I asked her to coffee the next day. When I interviewed her about happiness, she told me she didn’t really have “secrets”—but I could see them in her actions. She treated every person as if they were beloved children of God.

Then, mid-conversation, Ruth suddenly mentioned a name I hadn’t heard in years: Dr. Donald Joy—my seminary professor, mentor, and father figure. The one who carried me through six years of theological training while I wrestled with my sexuality. We’d lost touch, and I wasn’t sure he would accept me now that I’d come out. But Ruth’s mention felt like another sign: reconnect.

So I did.

Dr. Joy’s Lesson

I took Dr. Joy out for his 84th birthday. Afterward, we sat in my car and I asked him, “With a name like Joy, you must know something about happiness.”

He told me that the greatest joys of his and his wife’s lives had grown out of their deepest disappointments—that if we can persevere, even tragedy can be integrated into who we’re becoming.

Then, in his office, I shared my truth. For decades I had tried everything not to be gay—conversion therapy, conferences, prayers. But I was finally at the point of acceptance, fragile and unsure how he would respond.

I broke down sobbing. And Dr. Joy simply held me, cheek to cheek, whispering:

“It’s going to be okay, David. You’re okay. You’re okay just the way you are.”

Those words, from that man, changed everything.

What Came After

It didn’t all transform overnight. But those three signs—the article, Ruth, and Dr. Joy—gave me enough hope to keep going. Therapy, friendships, and global adventures carried me forward.

Eighteen months later, I met the man who’s been my partner for 13 years. I found community.

I returned to higher education, becoming a department chair and professor. I grew into someone who not only studied the science of happiness but lived it.

And, perhaps most importantly, I learned to make peace with myself.

The Science (and Barbara Streisand)

The Harvard Study of Adult Development—an 85-year project, the longest of its kind—summarizes happiness in one sentence:

Good, warm relationships—more than money, fame, IQ, or career success—are the key to lasting happiness, health, and meaning.

Or, as my gay icon Barbara Streisand sings:

“People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”

I’d add: the happiest people, too.

Your Invitation

So here’s my invitation for you this week:

• Notice the signs—small or serendipitous—that may be pointing you forward.

• Reach out to someone who embodies warmth and kindness.

• Remember: your struggles may yet become your unparalleled authority, the very ground of your wisdom.

  
  

We are all works in progress. And we’re not meant to do this alone.

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